Bright Light Up Ahead

There comes a time when you finally get over something. You finally realize that you want a change in your life; for the better. I felt it a few days ago, it just hit me. I want to be happy. I'm done being the sad and depressed person I once was. I want to wake up with a smile on my face and make something out of myself. I want to go to bed thinking about all the things I want to accomplish the next day. I want to be my old self. And finally, I am. Changing myself to a more positive figure actually isn't taking as much effort as I thought I needed. I spent months being a downer on myself and I reached a point where I didn't really care what happened to myself. Everyday was a boring routine to myself and I never looked forward to almost anything. I found myself dwelling on the past. The past was over and I needed to realize that. So, instead of being the optimistic kid I used to be, I spent many afternoons crying over nothing. I never actually thought that I could change my future and make it better. I just cried and hated myself. Those months turned into a year. And that year turned into two. There were some days I felt like I was getting better, but then I went right back to where I was. I was taking one step forward, and two steps back. I missed the old me. If you asked anyone, they wouldn't even know that I'd changed from before. Everyday I went to school or went out with friends was an act. Everyday, I put on a mask and pretended that everything was okay. I hated doing that. I hated not having anyone really to talk to because that's not something you can really tell someone. I'm sure if you asked someone now, they wouldn't know the difference. My parents hardly knew. Only the fact that I would lock myself in my room for hours. I never really was into self harm that much; it was more of a self pity. And that pity turned into anger. Which caused me to constantly get mad at anyone for no reason at all. Looking back on those times, I really wish I would have done something else about it and I can't believe it's taken me this long to finally do something about it. Tidal Wave is a song that used to somewhat give me hope and I think that's the main reason I started to feel like a more optimistic person. One song. That's all it took. I never really sat down and analyzed the words and the power that it gives to listeners. Until about a week ago. I really thought about myself. Why would I want to keep living like that? Was I just going to live in despair forever? Finally, it hit me. I have to be the change I want in myself. Sitting there crying is going to do nothing about it. If I want to be happier, I have to make myself happier. I had to take action. Instead of thinking of all of the things I was unhappy with in my life, I started thinking of all of the positive things. I was sick of being depressed. There's so much I want in life that I didn't even realize it until I thought about it. Ever since then, I've felt so much better. Sure, I'll always have some days where I feel that my life sucks and things aren't going the way I want it to. That happens. Sometimes you need something hard to hit you so you can deal with it and overcome those feelings. That's what I finally did. I regret the amount of time it took me to realize that life isn't always bad and good things do come out of it. But it's better to start now than never. I want to cherish this last year and a half I have of being a teenager, because it doesn't last forever. I can finally be my happy self again and I can wake up thinking about the many things I get to do because I have finally made the change in myself. (By the way, making a bucket list was one of the first things I did and it really helps to keep you focused on accomplishing goals you never thought you would want.) And so I would like to thank (again) Adam Randal Young. For everything. For finally letting me overcome my depressed state, even though it took some time. This year, I'm celebrating 3 years of falling in love with him and his music. I finally sat down and understood the meanings of his songs and that's what got me through everything. Without him, who knows where I'd be. And I owe him so much because I'm finally the person I want to be. I never thought I'd say this, but I like myself and where I am. I like living.