Bright Light Up Ahead

There comes a time when you finally get over something. You finally realize that you want a change in your life; for the better. I felt it a few days ago, it just hit me. I want to be happy. I'm done being the sad and depressed person I once was. I want to wake up with a smile on my face and make something out of myself. I want to go to bed thinking about all the things I want to accomplish the next day. I want to be my old self. And finally, I am. Changing myself to a more positive figure actually isn't taking as much effort as I thought I needed. I spent months being a downer on myself and I reached a point where I didn't really care what happened to myself. Everyday was a boring routine to myself and I never looked forward to almost anything. I found myself dwelling on the past. The past was over and I needed to realize that. So, instead of being the optimistic kid I used to be, I spent many afternoons crying over nothing. I never actually thought that I could change my future and make it better. I just cried and hated myself. Those months turned into a year. And that year turned into two. There were some days I felt like I was getting better, but then I went right back to where I was. I was taking one step forward, and two steps back. I missed the old me. If you asked anyone, they wouldn't even know that I'd changed from before. Everyday I went to school or went out with friends was an act. Everyday, I put on a mask and pretended that everything was okay. I hated doing that. I hated not having anyone really to talk to because that's not something you can really tell someone. I'm sure if you asked someone now, they wouldn't know the difference. My parents hardly knew. Only the fact that I would lock myself in my room for hours. I never really was into self harm that much; it was more of a self pity. And that pity turned into anger. Which caused me to constantly get mad at anyone for no reason at all. Looking back on those times, I really wish I would have done something else about it and I can't believe it's taken me this long to finally do something about it. Tidal Wave is a song that used to somewhat give me hope and I think that's the main reason I started to feel like a more optimistic person. One song. That's all it took. I never really sat down and analyzed the words and the power that it gives to listeners. Until about a week ago. I really thought about myself. Why would I want to keep living like that? Was I just going to live in despair forever? Finally, it hit me. I have to be the change I want in myself. Sitting there crying is going to do nothing about it. If I want to be happier, I have to make myself happier. I had to take action. Instead of thinking of all of the things I was unhappy with in my life, I started thinking of all of the positive things. I was sick of being depressed. There's so much I want in life that I didn't even realize it until I thought about it. Ever since then, I've felt so much better. Sure, I'll always have some days where I feel that my life sucks and things aren't going the way I want it to. That happens. Sometimes you need something hard to hit you so you can deal with it and overcome those feelings. That's what I finally did. I regret the amount of time it took me to realize that life isn't always bad and good things do come out of it. But it's better to start now than never. I want to cherish this last year and a half I have of being a teenager, because it doesn't last forever. I can finally be my happy self again and I can wake up thinking about the many things I get to do because I have finally made the change in myself. (By the way, making a bucket list was one of the first things I did and it really helps to keep you focused on accomplishing goals you never thought you would want.) And so I would like to thank (again) Adam Randal Young. For everything. For finally letting me overcome my depressed state, even though it took some time. This year, I'm celebrating 3 years of falling in love with him and his music. I finally sat down and understood the meanings of his songs and that's what got me through everything. Without him, who knows where I'd be. And I owe him so much because I'm finally the person I want to be. I never thought I'd say this, but I like myself and where I am. I like living.

Rising and Shining

So, I actually wrote this a few months ago... Let me know what you think of it:) Christiane has been the only other person to read it and I finally got the courage to post it. It weirds me out a little bit that I have a very cheesy, romantic side to me. Hope it's not too bad!
         
Music leads you to make lots of decisions when you think about it. It’s strange; the different kinds of emotions that certain songs, artists, or lyrics can cause you to feel; happiness, sadness, bliss, or even anger. Songs can remind you of memories that you wish you could forget or moments that you always want to remember. Adam Young is basically my music idol. My whole world sometimes revolves around him and he means so much to me. I’d do anything to give him a hug and thank him for everything, including saving my life. He finally gave me a reason to live and I couldn’t love him more for that. But there’s this artist that I’ve fallen in love with a few months ago called Sailship. He reminds me of Adam a lot, like his voice and kind of electronic music. It’s totally awesome. But Adam is still number one forever to me. A lot of his songs, though, remind me of certain things, are so beautiful that it makes me tear up sometimes, and make me really sit down and think about my life. This song called “Rising and Shining” really made me finally decide the way I wish to die, (kind of a weird topic, but it makes sense in my head) even though it doesn’t matter because it’s never a choice and I have no idea when or how it really is going to happen. But in my mind, I have a vision of how I want everything to go down. I mean, no one really wants to die (not anymore for me) but when it happens, I want it to be like this, a fairytale almost. (Okay, I’m not suicidal, but I just think this would be really romantic) The song lyrics go like “I dreamt what the end of the world had prepared, as buildings sank into the ground, you were there. “I hoped you would be here” you said and you smiled. “I’ve been down here waiting for quite a while.” I took you in my arms (you looked in my eyes). We danced as the moon fell apart in the sky. There was a strange sound (we watched the world fall away). We brought back the life that awaits when we awake. “It sounds dreary, but when I think about it, I picture it wonderful sight. I imagine myself there with someone I love, dancing together under nothing but the stars. We waltz together in our Onitsukas through an open forest, the treetops shedding their autumn leaves as the fireflies dance around us to the beats of our hearts and “Vanilla Twilight” by Owl City that softly plays from somewhere unknown in the distance. We can see the moon as it slowly falls apart and crashes to the Earth around us. Comets and asteroids soar through the air and plummet to the surface. The chaos is louder than thunder, but all we hear is each other’s’ laughter and nervous giggles. Even though the temperature is warm, snow begins to slowly fall, adding beauty to the world below, despite the horrid sight. The evening breeze sends snowflakes into our hair, which shines in the fading moonlight. It falls atop a gazebo and the stream that flows near our feet. He twirls me around in a beautiful sparkling, cerulean, blue dress, which poofs out around the waist and stops right above my knees. Crickets chirp in the distance as the world falls apart, completely unaware of the fate about to approach. We both realize what is going on, but we don’t pay attention to any of it. Our eyes are locked on each other’s. My eyes don’t dare look away from his beautiful, dark ones. That’s the last thing I want to see before I die. Before I close mine for that very last moment. His smile makes my insides melt and I can’t help but notice how adorable he looks in his jeans and sweater vest. He leans in to kiss me gently and I embrace him in a hug, tears starting to fall down our faces. At least we were together. I would die in his arms tonight, but I would be with him. As he swirls me around the forest, he slowly pulls me down with him to the ground and before I know it, we’re lying side by side; the spaces between my fingers are right where his fit perfectly. We finally stargaze; the moment I’ve been waiting for forever. The stars are different shades of the rainbow, all sparkling in different tempos. He points out the constellations and tells me how I’m more beautiful than they could ever be. I shed a tear and blush, but he doesn’t notice it in the dark of the night. We sit up to take in one final moment of the world; the burning city below us, the wildflowers that are still in bloom, the mushroom clouds disappearing, our sighs that are harmonized. He whispers something in my ear, which catches me off guard. I say it back, “I love you.” Just three simple words that make my insides turn to mush. Those three words are the last ones I will ever speak. And the last words that I will ever hear. Those last three words take my breath away. We don’t even notice the forest fire approaching us or the meteors that land closer and closer to us each moment. He grabs me and holds me to him tightly so we never part, even after our first life ends. He kisses me, harder this time. The last moment I close my eyes. The last glimpse of this life that I ever see are his eyes. That sparkle he had in them; that genuine look. We never let go. Finally, a tidal wave crashes over us and we’re sent off tumbling, our arms still intertwined. That’s how I want it to go. Spend my last moments with someone I love so much. I know it won’t happen like that (not even close), but I can always hope that one day I’ll find someone remotely similar to what I picture. This song is absolutely perfect and it’s crazy how much creativity can come out of a song. Someday, I’ll meet someone who would love to do something like this with me; dancing in the moonlight. Until now, I’ll sit at home being a crazy HootOwl while I wait patiently for whoever it is that will be in my much later future. “You’ll see tomorrow before me.”<3