Okay, so in regards to my last post, trying to recover hasn't been going so well. No one actually reads these posts, so I guess this is more for myself to look back on in a few months when hopefully I'm off in college and I'm actually healthy. Over the past few weeks, I kind of let the other voice in my head take control. I lost 6 more pounds within a couple weeks. I was doing better for awhile, but of course... relapse. I guess not going to the doctor seems to be a little bit worse, since I have nothing to aim for anymore. However, I recently started an Instagram to try to help me with recovery and I honestly have to say how shocked I am to find out how many other people are in the same position as me. There are literally hundreds of other girls my age going through this eating disorder. It makes me feel a bit better to know that I'm not alone in my recovery, but it pains me greatly. All of these amazing girls who fell victim to this terrible disease; it just isn't fair. I honestly wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy because it's been hell for me. As if I haven't been stressed enough with the divorce and school and work.
The other day, I met with a nutritionist, which didn't really help. But I sort of had an epiphany afterwards when my mom and I discussed the new information we gained. It FINALLY hit me. I don't want to be miserable all the time or exhausted 24/7 or irritable or frantically counting calories or crying over every single piece of food I put in my mouth or having a panic attack at school because I'm eating in front of people. Because that just gets old. And I'm sick of having another voice in my head. There's only room for one, and that's stubborn old me, NOT the voice of my eating disorder. I WANT to go to college this fall, I WANT to graduate from high school, I WANT to travel this summer, and I WANT my old body back (And most importantly, I want my favorite cousins to come down to see me graduate and uh, hospital=no graduation, which =no cousins). I have so many things to look forward to later on in life and if I'm stuck in the hospital, how am I supposed to experience those things?
The doctor called my mom yesterday and told her she wanted me to come in for a check-up before she put me in the hospital. Naturally, flipping out was my first reaction. But my mom did something I wasn't expecting. She told her to give me a couple weeks so I could get back on track. She stood up for me. She knows the hospital is the last place I want to be and would risk my chances of getting to go to college.
It hit me that this is my FINAL chance I have to make a change. I've been given way too many second chances over the past year and I know this is the last one I have, so I'm going to make it count. Everything happens for a reason and I know that God is giving me another chance to work through this on my own and become stronger from this. So you know what? I'm going to eat. I'm going to gain back to the weight I'm supposed to be. While 86.5 pounds feels good at times, I know it isn't healthy and isn't that what we all want to be? Healthy. Not bone thin. Healthy. I want to be able to go for a run again and exercise and not feel completely winded when I walk up the stairs at school. I want to recover. So I'm going to.
Friday, April 11, 2014
Saturday, March 8, 2014
The Demon Inside
Torture. Anger. Fatigue. Misery. Just a few words to describe this monster. This monster that took hold of my brain about a year ago. No matter how much you try to make it go away, no matter how much you scream and cry and demand that it leave your body, it stays. It stays and taunts you. Tells you you're not good enough, that you're worthless, that you're fat, and that you're never going to be beautiful. Every day is a struggle. Every bite adds on to the desire to self harm. Every meal brings on disaster.
I can't remember why or when exactly this whole thing started. Although, media and all the beautiful, thin girls I see might be part of it. You can't go anywhere without seeing "lose weight by doing this!" or "shrink your stomach with these foods and exercises". It's literally EVERYWHERE. I was never really fat. I was a gymnast for eleven years and my metabolism has never been ridiculously slow. I remember looking in the mirror one day and thought "I want to be healthy! My stomach isn't huge, but it isn't flat either, so I want to try to run and exercise more!" So, I did. I ran almost every night for awhile and didn't really see much of a difference, but I felt so much better when I exercised. After being stressed out too much in school, I couldn't run all the time, so I sort of got away from it. I didn't run near as often for awhile and then I started to think more about my weight. I wouldn't allow myself to eat whatever I wanted anymore because I wasn't running it off. The demon was starting to enter my brain around this time, but it wasn't out of hand. I still ate about the same amount, I just only ate "lighter" foods or "low calorie" things.
Towards the end of summer, I had surgery and got my wisdom teeth taken out. Recovering from the surgery was not fun, but I realized that by hardly being able to eat anything for a couple weeks, I was losing weight. It was really fast, too. I could see my bones a little bit, which made me so happy. I thought that if I could just keep doing this, I would be so small and actually like myself for once. At first, it was great and I still looked healthy, just smaller.
After a few months, the desire to keep losing weight continued to grow more and more. It was now to the point that I was eating about 600 calories a day and exercising for hours at a time. That empty feeling inside... it's a feeling I can't describe. My parents have been in the middle of a nasty divorce for a couple years now, I've lost so many friends and a relationship, and life has been spiraling downwards. I was losing control of everything. But food. Food, I could control. I could control the amount of calories I put into my mouth and the lower the number each day, the happier I was with myself. "You're doing so well and you have such control" was something I would tell myself daily. Every time I looked in the mirror, I could see my bones more and more each day and thought it added character to my appearance. My thighs were no longer touching, even if I tried. My hip bones were protruding and my knees were sunken in. Gratitude. Accomplishment. Happiness. That's what I felt when I looked into the mirror. People were starting to notice more and more and my mom was getting worried. People at work would rush over to grab something when I tried to lift it because they said I was too fragile. I could barely sit down without my legs becoming numb after about five minutes or the bones on my butt stabbing me. It hurt, but it felt so good because I was finally becoming thin. And other people could see, too. I thought that if I was feeling good about myself, others would feel that way about me as well. But people just stared at me without smiling. It was more of a concerned look.
My mom finally gave up after trying so hard to make me eat food. All I did was eat as little as possible and throw huge fits when she would try to force me. She took me to the doctor, where I was told that my BMI was way too low. I needed hospitalization. I freaked. "What was she talking about?! You don't need to be hospitalized. You're not in too deep. If anything, you could lose more weight. If you go to the hospital, they'll overfeed you and make you fat." The voice in my head kept repeating this. I knew the hospital was not something I needed. So I was given time to gain weight and if it didn't happen, the hospital was where I would end up.
I had never been so angry at a person as I was with my mom that day. I remember yelling and crying for hours because she wanted me to be fat. She didn't want me to be small anymore. When I look back now, I wish I could apologize, but it's far too late. This thing was controlling me beyond comprehension and I was letting it. It made me feel better and loved and empty. Emptiness felt better than sorrow.
I counted (and still do, unfortunately) calories frantically. I had countless apps on my phone that told me how many grams of fat were in every single piece of food. I Googled ways to get even smaller. I took out fat and sugar and sodium almost completely out of my diet. I would eat small pieces of fruit but then freak out because of the sugar content, even though it was natural and healthy. I ate tons and tons of vegetables. Water became my best friend. Breads, pasta, and chocolate- gone. Foods that I once loved never entered my body. I would track every single calorie that went into me and at the end of the day, I would feel so accomplished when the number was small. It became an obsession. I couldn't even do my homework without getting side-tracked. When you deprive your body of food, it becomes all you think about. You search recipes all hours of the night. You spend hours on Pinterest looking up ways to make foods as low in calories as possible while running on the treadmill. You can't think of anything else.
Looking back at pictures I had taken of myself when I was at my lowest weight has been helping. Every day is still a struggle as I try to tame this demon inside of me. It isn't gone. Some days, I can eat more and feel fine. Other days, I eat something and want to be sick and get rid of it. But I don't. I know I haven't had this disease for a long time, but it's been long enough for me to lose almost everyone I cared about, almost end up in the hospital, and almost lose my place at college, which is the escape I so desperately need. The pictures show my bones, yes. But they also show the small curves that I used to have are gone. Everything on me was basically deflated. It was just skin and bone; not attractive at all. My teeth were starting to rot. I've never had cavities in my life, but now I have at least five that I need to get taken care of because I was not getting the nutrients I needed to keep them healthy. My heart was starting to slow and skip and I couldn't exercise after awhile because there were numerous times that I almost blacked out.
The constant fatigue, the heart palpitations, the way I was constantly freezing, the mood swings, the bursts of anger that took hold of me, the constant feeling of sadness; I don't miss that. However, this thing isn't gone. It's nowhere near being gone. It still haunts me every day. I've done countless hours of research and found that for most people, it never does truly go away. And that terrifies me to no end. I want to get rid of this. Just being able to admit that is already a start for me. I've been eating more, too. It still kills me inside, but I'm doing it. I can eat something without crying or hurting myself or weighing myself six times every day like I used to. I still monitor my foods to the extreme, which won't go away for awhile, I'm sure. I try to limit foods as much as I can, but still get enough calories everyday. That's the thing. Now, I'm starting to learn that being healthy is better than being as thin as you possible can. It's okay to eat bread and nuts and foods that are healthy for you. Heck, it's okay to eat foods that AREN'T healthy for you, (I can't do that just yet) in moderation, of course. Also, guys like curves, so I'd really like to try to get those back... I have an appointment with a nutritionist next week and I'm hoping they'll be able to help me decide what foods I need to eat without causing me more mental pain.
For anyone struggling with anorexia, I want you to know that you're not alone. It's hard for others to understand this because they don't know what it's like (There's more terrible emotions and side effects, but I figured getting into that would make no difference and I'm trying to push those thoughts out of my head instead of thinking about them again). The pain may seem to never end, but I just know that with time, it will get easier and I'm hoping it does. You're stronger than you think you are. And you're beyond beautiful. Don't let some nonexistent force tell you that you aren't because it's wrong. Do what I'm doing and try to tell yourself something else...
"You can recover. And you will."
I can't remember why or when exactly this whole thing started. Although, media and all the beautiful, thin girls I see might be part of it. You can't go anywhere without seeing "lose weight by doing this!" or "shrink your stomach with these foods and exercises". It's literally EVERYWHERE. I was never really fat. I was a gymnast for eleven years and my metabolism has never been ridiculously slow. I remember looking in the mirror one day and thought "I want to be healthy! My stomach isn't huge, but it isn't flat either, so I want to try to run and exercise more!" So, I did. I ran almost every night for awhile and didn't really see much of a difference, but I felt so much better when I exercised. After being stressed out too much in school, I couldn't run all the time, so I sort of got away from it. I didn't run near as often for awhile and then I started to think more about my weight. I wouldn't allow myself to eat whatever I wanted anymore because I wasn't running it off. The demon was starting to enter my brain around this time, but it wasn't out of hand. I still ate about the same amount, I just only ate "lighter" foods or "low calorie" things.
Towards the end of summer, I had surgery and got my wisdom teeth taken out. Recovering from the surgery was not fun, but I realized that by hardly being able to eat anything for a couple weeks, I was losing weight. It was really fast, too. I could see my bones a little bit, which made me so happy. I thought that if I could just keep doing this, I would be so small and actually like myself for once. At first, it was great and I still looked healthy, just smaller.
After a few months, the desire to keep losing weight continued to grow more and more. It was now to the point that I was eating about 600 calories a day and exercising for hours at a time. That empty feeling inside... it's a feeling I can't describe. My parents have been in the middle of a nasty divorce for a couple years now, I've lost so many friends and a relationship, and life has been spiraling downwards. I was losing control of everything. But food. Food, I could control. I could control the amount of calories I put into my mouth and the lower the number each day, the happier I was with myself. "You're doing so well and you have such control" was something I would tell myself daily. Every time I looked in the mirror, I could see my bones more and more each day and thought it added character to my appearance. My thighs were no longer touching, even if I tried. My hip bones were protruding and my knees were sunken in. Gratitude. Accomplishment. Happiness. That's what I felt when I looked into the mirror. People were starting to notice more and more and my mom was getting worried. People at work would rush over to grab something when I tried to lift it because they said I was too fragile. I could barely sit down without my legs becoming numb after about five minutes or the bones on my butt stabbing me. It hurt, but it felt so good because I was finally becoming thin. And other people could see, too. I thought that if I was feeling good about myself, others would feel that way about me as well. But people just stared at me without smiling. It was more of a concerned look.
My mom finally gave up after trying so hard to make me eat food. All I did was eat as little as possible and throw huge fits when she would try to force me. She took me to the doctor, where I was told that my BMI was way too low. I needed hospitalization. I freaked. "What was she talking about?! You don't need to be hospitalized. You're not in too deep. If anything, you could lose more weight. If you go to the hospital, they'll overfeed you and make you fat." The voice in my head kept repeating this. I knew the hospital was not something I needed. So I was given time to gain weight and if it didn't happen, the hospital was where I would end up.
I had never been so angry at a person as I was with my mom that day. I remember yelling and crying for hours because she wanted me to be fat. She didn't want me to be small anymore. When I look back now, I wish I could apologize, but it's far too late. This thing was controlling me beyond comprehension and I was letting it. It made me feel better and loved and empty. Emptiness felt better than sorrow.
I counted (and still do, unfortunately) calories frantically. I had countless apps on my phone that told me how many grams of fat were in every single piece of food. I Googled ways to get even smaller. I took out fat and sugar and sodium almost completely out of my diet. I would eat small pieces of fruit but then freak out because of the sugar content, even though it was natural and healthy. I ate tons and tons of vegetables. Water became my best friend. Breads, pasta, and chocolate- gone. Foods that I once loved never entered my body. I would track every single calorie that went into me and at the end of the day, I would feel so accomplished when the number was small. It became an obsession. I couldn't even do my homework without getting side-tracked. When you deprive your body of food, it becomes all you think about. You search recipes all hours of the night. You spend hours on Pinterest looking up ways to make foods as low in calories as possible while running on the treadmill. You can't think of anything else.
Looking back at pictures I had taken of myself when I was at my lowest weight has been helping. Every day is still a struggle as I try to tame this demon inside of me. It isn't gone. Some days, I can eat more and feel fine. Other days, I eat something and want to be sick and get rid of it. But I don't. I know I haven't had this disease for a long time, but it's been long enough for me to lose almost everyone I cared about, almost end up in the hospital, and almost lose my place at college, which is the escape I so desperately need. The pictures show my bones, yes. But they also show the small curves that I used to have are gone. Everything on me was basically deflated. It was just skin and bone; not attractive at all. My teeth were starting to rot. I've never had cavities in my life, but now I have at least five that I need to get taken care of because I was not getting the nutrients I needed to keep them healthy. My heart was starting to slow and skip and I couldn't exercise after awhile because there were numerous times that I almost blacked out.
The constant fatigue, the heart palpitations, the way I was constantly freezing, the mood swings, the bursts of anger that took hold of me, the constant feeling of sadness; I don't miss that. However, this thing isn't gone. It's nowhere near being gone. It still haunts me every day. I've done countless hours of research and found that for most people, it never does truly go away. And that terrifies me to no end. I want to get rid of this. Just being able to admit that is already a start for me. I've been eating more, too. It still kills me inside, but I'm doing it. I can eat something without crying or hurting myself or weighing myself six times every day like I used to. I still monitor my foods to the extreme, which won't go away for awhile, I'm sure. I try to limit foods as much as I can, but still get enough calories everyday. That's the thing. Now, I'm starting to learn that being healthy is better than being as thin as you possible can. It's okay to eat bread and nuts and foods that are healthy for you. Heck, it's okay to eat foods that AREN'T healthy for you, (I can't do that just yet) in moderation, of course. Also, guys like curves, so I'd really like to try to get those back... I have an appointment with a nutritionist next week and I'm hoping they'll be able to help me decide what foods I need to eat without causing me more mental pain.
For anyone struggling with anorexia, I want you to know that you're not alone. It's hard for others to understand this because they don't know what it's like (There's more terrible emotions and side effects, but I figured getting into that would make no difference and I'm trying to push those thoughts out of my head instead of thinking about them again). The pain may seem to never end, but I just know that with time, it will get easier and I'm hoping it does. You're stronger than you think you are. And you're beyond beautiful. Don't let some nonexistent force tell you that you aren't because it's wrong. Do what I'm doing and try to tell yourself something else...
"You can recover. And you will."
Friday, November 30, 2012
Reading
It's such a simple, yet complex thing. Try to imagine the world without books or magazines. Yeah, it would be worse than it is now. I know not everyone agrees with me on this, but reading is actually a huge part of my life. No matter what change you're going through in life or how terrible you're feeling, books always stay the same. You can't edit them, you can't change the words. It's like different worlds, all frozen in time. Whether it's fiction or nonfiction, fantasy or facts, it doesn't change. Maybe that's why I love books so much. I'm going through such a hard time in my life right now and ever since I started reading again, I feel more whole. Honestly, this world sucks. It's sad though, but I really do hate it. It's filled with crimes and half the world only seems to care about themselves. I sure as heck don't enjoy it here, but books make it more bearable. Know why? They're their own world. While war is going on right now in the world, peace is going on in a book. It's just like dreaming; it's an escape. Sure, it isn't real, but why can't we pretend that it is? I may read different books from everyone else, but to me, it's a way to get away from this life. I can pick up my favorite book and fall in love with Ben and Camelia. And when I finish, I get to read it again and fall in love with them even more. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that it's just a book and it isn't real life, no matter how much I wish it was. Lots of books are far-fetched, yes. But so what? Wouldn't you rather like to take a break from this place and go to a place where love is perfect and friends are always there for you? Going through a heartbreak? Pick up Blue Is For Nightmares, pretend you're Stacey, and fall in love with Jacob. Sure, he's fictional. But there are guys out there who are amazing like him and you'll start to feel better. Feeling bored? Pick up Jenny Green's Killer Junior Year and you'll be entertained for hours. Just feeling depressed? Pick up Pretty Little Liars and get sucked into the lives of Aria, Spencer, Emily, and Hannah. It's just that easy. I don't understand people who hate reading. But hey, they're just missing out. Books are the best medicine for anything, you just have to have an open mind. It's totally worth it.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
A Huge Thank You to Everyone♥
Before I go to bed tonight, I would just like to write about the most recent thing that happened in my life. A couple weeks ago, my parents told my brother and I that they were getting a divorce. Sure, I was expecting it, but it hit me like a brick wall. Yes, I know it happens to many people, but I never wanted it to happen to me. My whole life is changing right before my eyes and there isn't a single thing I can do about it. My house is probably going to get sold and I'm going to end up switching between two apartments, which can lead to many other problems that I never thought I'd face. Pretty much as soon as my life started to build back up, a huge weight dropped on my shoulders and brought me right back down. Things were getting worse, but I was trying to stay strong for my brother and continue to progress with my positivity. We all know that I am a huge HootOwl and I have many friends in this fandom who mean the world to me. There are quite a few of them who get me through so much and I do not know what I would do without them. Recently, I became friends with a lovely girl named Madeline and a wonderful boy named Dylan (whom I've known for a while now). They are both some of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life, really. Anyone who follows me on Twitter, knows everything that has been going on for the most part. These two friends have been there for me throughout my sad times and have always cheered me up; along with some other friends like Christiane, Nele (two of my best friends in the entire world), Kelsey, and many more sweet people. They have all cheered me up at some point and it means so much to me. Well, Dylan texted me one day, mentioning something about a surprise. I wasn't sure what he was talking about and he wouldn't give me a single hint, so I just waited to see what would happen. Last night I was sitting with my friend in the car when I got a call from him. "Have you checked Twitter recently?" he asked me. I didn't have Internet at the moment, so my friend let me use her phone to check it. When I looked, I couldn't believe my eyes. Jasper (the guitarist from the Owl City tour band) tweeted me out of nowhere saying that he was praying for me and to remind me that God was with me. "Hi Kayla- Just wanted to see how you were doing and let you know that I just said a prayer for you. Know that God is with you in whatever you're going through right now." Those are the exact words that he said to me. I was just taken away by it all. Apparently Dylan and Madeline (and I was told that a couple other HootOwls helped as well) somehow contacted him and I guess told him that things haven't been well for me. I'm literally tearing up right now just thinking about it. He was praying for me. I still can't believe it. It just takes my breath away to think that I have such amazing friends that would do something like that for me. It hit me then that I really do have people who care about me. Just to know that people would go out of their way to contact someone extremely important and have him personally talk to me... I honestly don't even know what to say. I'm speechless. Anyways, the whole point of this story is that no matter what is going on in anyone's life, someone is always there to help. Whether they live nearby or not, they care about you. In a way, I seriously think Twitter has been a serious life saver. Without it, I wouldn't have met hardly any of my wonderful friends. You always hear how people say "Don't talk to strangers over the Internet. They can't be trusted." Well, I would like to speak to those people and tell them that it's not always true. Somehow, by being myself, I met some people over the Internet who I wouldn't want to ever lose. Even though I haven't personally met any of my HootOwl friends I met online, I trust them. They are amazing people and without them, who knows where I'd be. So, I know I've said this a million times, but Dylan and Madeline (and anyone else who helped), if you're reading this, THANK YOU. I can't explain how happy it made me and my family. They were so happy to hear all about it. And to think that someone would do that out of kindness and not ask for anything in return. People like them are true friends. I apologize for all this thanking and ranting because it proabably gets really old, but you mean everything to me and I hope I can be here for you as much as you have been for me. And while I'm at it, thank you Christiane for being my best friend, fangirling with me, and always cheering me up and letting me come to you to vent. You always know the right things to say.<3 Thank you Nele for your kind words, the fangirling moments, and the times where we vented about everything and decided we were pretty much sisters. Thank you Matty for being so sweet to me all the time, always being there for me, and making me laugh and blush. Thank you Ethan for being one of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life and even though things didn't work out too well for us, I hope we will always stay friends because you mean a lot to me. Thank you Kathy for always making me laugh, being an amazing friend, and spending a lot of time cheering me up and finding amazing videos and pictures to make me smile. Thank you Elaina for being the best bro ever in the entire world, fangirling with me about more than just Owl City, and making me laugh all the time. Thank you Kelsey for always making me smile with your kind words and being so nice to me about my photography. Thank you Erieka for being one of the sweetest people ever and complimenting me all the time, when really, you're the beautiful and lovely one. Thank you Nadine for making me laugh and always being so sweet to me. Thank you Marielis for being such a sweet person and freaking out with me about the upcoming concerts. I cannot wait to meet you!! Thank you Roselle for being so nice and always talking about Adam with me because it always cheers me up. Thank you Kara for being so awesome and wonderful to me and I can't wait to see you again because you always make me smile. Thank you Marlene for being so sweet and trusting me by letting me come into your life and even though we don't talk too much, I feel like we kind of have each other's backs in a way and that makes me happy. Thank you Sasha for freaking out with me when Adam tweeted both of us at different times, for being an amazing friend to me, and for being so super sweet. Thank you Greer for being one of my really good friends, fangirling with me all the time, and for always being there for me as well and I've missed talking to you. Thank you Cassie for talking to me about lots of things because we seem to have almost EVERYTHING in common (which is crazy!) and being so nice! Thank you Sarah for making me laugh and lot, talking about Adam with me all the time, and being so kind to me. Thank you Rebecca for being one of the nicest people I've ever met and always looking out for me. Thank you Meri for always being there for me, fangirling over other singers/bands that we like, and being so sweet and kind. Thank you Emelie for being so kind to me and fangirling with me all the time. Thank you Olivia for making me cry from laughter, being so kind to me even though we haven't talked in forever, and just being one of the coolest people in the whole world. Thank you Samuel for always cheering me up and making me think more positive about things and being such a nice person. Thank you Simon for being so inspirational and sweet to me when it comes to my photography. Thank you Maja for being so sweet, even though we don't talk too much. And of course, thank you Madeline and Dylan for being amazing people, always cheering me up with anything, and doing all of that for me. And thank you Adam. If I never listened to your music, I seriously doubt that I would even still be here because I wouldn't have fallen in love with you or met all of these amazing people. I love you. I'm sure I missed a couple people (WHICH I AM SO SORRY FOR), but you get the point. Without you guys, I am nothing. So, I think I am done being annoying with my many thanks. I love you and goodnight<3
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Bright Light Up Ahead
There comes a time when you finally get over something. You finally realize that you want a change in your life; for the better. I felt it a few days ago, it just hit me. I want to be happy. I'm done being the sad and depressed person I once was. I want to wake up with a smile on my face and make something out of myself. I want to go to bed thinking about all the things I want to accomplish the next day. I want to be my old self. And finally, I am. Changing myself to a more positive figure actually isn't taking as much effort as I thought I needed. I spent months being a downer on myself and I reached a point where I didn't really care what happened to myself. Everyday was a boring routine to myself and I never looked forward to almost anything. I found myself dwelling on the past. The past was over and I needed to realize that. So, instead of being the optimistic kid I used to be, I spent many afternoons crying over nothing. I never actually thought that I could change my future and make it better. I just cried and hated myself. Those months turned into a year. And that year turned into two. There were some days I felt like I was getting better, but then I went right back to where I was. I was taking one step forward, and two steps back. I missed the old me. If you asked anyone, they wouldn't even know that I'd changed from before. Everyday I went to school or went out with friends was an act. Everyday, I put on a mask and pretended that everything was okay. I hated doing that. I hated not having anyone really to talk to because that's not something you can really tell someone. I'm sure if you asked someone now, they wouldn't know the difference. My parents hardly knew. Only the fact that I would lock myself in my room for hours. I never really was into self harm that much; it was more of a self pity. And that pity turned into anger. Which caused me to constantly get mad at anyone for no reason at all. Looking back on those times, I really wish I would have done something else about it and I can't believe it's taken me this long to finally do something about it. Tidal Wave is a song that used to somewhat give me hope and I think that's the main reason I started to feel like a more optimistic person. One song. That's all it took. I never really sat down and analyzed the words and the power that it gives to listeners. Until about a week ago. I really thought about myself. Why would I want to keep living like that? Was I just going to live in despair forever? Finally, it hit me. I have to be the change I want in myself. Sitting there crying is going to do nothing about it. If I want to be happier, I have to make myself happier. I had to take action. Instead of thinking of all of the things I was unhappy with in my life, I started thinking of all of the positive things. I was sick of being depressed. There's so much I want in life that I didn't even realize it until I thought about it. Ever since then, I've felt so much better. Sure, I'll always have some days where I feel that my life sucks and things aren't going the way I want it to. That happens. Sometimes you need something hard to hit you so you can deal with it and overcome those feelings. That's what I finally did. I regret the amount of time it took me to realize that life isn't always bad and good things do come out of it. But it's better to start now than never. I want to cherish this last year and a half I have of being a teenager, because it doesn't last forever. I can finally be my happy self again and I can wake up thinking about the many things I get to do because I have finally made the change in myself. (By the way, making a bucket list was one of the first things I did and it really helps to keep you focused on accomplishing goals you never thought you would want.) And so I would like to thank (again) Adam Randal Young. For everything. For finally letting me overcome my depressed state, even though it took some time. This year, I'm celebrating 3 years of falling in love with him and his music. I finally sat down and understood the meanings of his songs and that's what got me through everything. Without him, who knows where I'd be. And I owe him so much because I'm finally the person I want to be. I never thought I'd say this, but I like myself and where I am. I like living.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Rising and Shining
So, I actually wrote this a few months ago... Let me know what you think of it:) Christiane has been the only other person to read it and I finally got the courage to post it. It weirds me out a little bit that I have a very cheesy, romantic side to me. Hope it's not too bad!
Music leads you to make lots of decisions when you think about it. It’s strange; the different kinds of emotions that certain songs, artists, or lyrics can cause you to feel; happiness, sadness, bliss, or even anger. Songs can remind you of memories that you wish you could forget or moments that you always want to remember. Adam Young is basically my music idol. My whole world sometimes revolves around him and he means so much to me. I’d do anything to give him a hug and thank him for everything, including saving my life. He finally gave me a reason to live and I couldn’t love him more for that. But there’s this artist that I’ve fallen in love with a few months ago called Sailship. He reminds me of Adam a lot, like his voice and kind of electronic music. It’s totally awesome. But Adam is still number one forever to me. A lot of his songs, though, remind me of certain things, are so beautiful that it makes me tear up sometimes, and make me really sit down and think about my life. This song called “Rising and Shining” really made me finally decide the way I wish to die, (kind of a weird topic, but it makes sense in my head) even though it doesn’t matter because it’s never a choice and I have no idea when or how it really is going to happen. But in my mind, I have a vision of how I want everything to go down. I mean, no one really wants to die (not anymore for me) but when it happens, I want it to be like this, a fairytale almost. (Okay, I’m not suicidal, but I just think this would be really romantic) The song lyrics go like “I dreamt what the end of the world had prepared, as buildings sank into the ground, you were there. “I hoped you would be here” you said and you smiled. “I’ve been down here waiting for quite a while.” I took you in my arms (you looked in my eyes). We danced as the moon fell apart in the sky. There was a strange sound (we watched the world fall away). We brought back the life that awaits when we awake. “It sounds dreary, but when I think about it, I picture it wonderful sight. I imagine myself there with someone I love, dancing together under nothing but the stars. We waltz together in our Onitsukas through an open forest, the treetops shedding their autumn leaves as the fireflies dance around us to the beats of our hearts and “Vanilla Twilight” by Owl City that softly plays from somewhere unknown in the distance. We can see the moon as it slowly falls apart and crashes to the Earth around us. Comets and asteroids soar through the air and plummet to the surface. The chaos is louder than thunder, but all we hear is each other’s’ laughter and nervous giggles. Even though the temperature is warm, snow begins to slowly fall, adding beauty to the world below, despite the horrid sight. The evening breeze sends snowflakes into our hair, which shines in the fading moonlight. It falls atop a gazebo and the stream that flows near our feet. He twirls me around in a beautiful sparkling, cerulean, blue dress, which poofs out around the waist and stops right above my knees. Crickets chirp in the distance as the world falls apart, completely unaware of the fate about to approach. We both realize what is going on, but we don’t pay attention to any of it. Our eyes are locked on each other’s. My eyes don’t dare look away from his beautiful, dark ones. That’s the last thing I want to see before I die. Before I close mine for that very last moment. His smile makes my insides melt and I can’t help but notice how adorable he looks in his jeans and sweater vest. He leans in to kiss me gently and I embrace him in a hug, tears starting to fall down our faces. At least we were together. I would die in his arms tonight, but I would be with him. As he swirls me around the forest, he slowly pulls me down with him to the ground and before I know it, we’re lying side by side; the spaces between my fingers are right where his fit perfectly. We finally stargaze; the moment I’ve been waiting for forever. The stars are different shades of the rainbow, all sparkling in different tempos. He points out the constellations and tells me how I’m more beautiful than they could ever be. I shed a tear and blush, but he doesn’t notice it in the dark of the night. We sit up to take in one final moment of the world; the burning city below us, the wildflowers that are still in bloom, the mushroom clouds disappearing, our sighs that are harmonized. He whispers something in my ear, which catches me off guard. I say it back, “I love you.” Just three simple words that make my insides turn to mush. Those three words are the last ones I will ever speak. And the last words that I will ever hear. Those last three words take my breath away. We don’t even notice the forest fire approaching us or the meteors that land closer and closer to us each moment. He grabs me and holds me to him tightly so we never part, even after our first life ends. He kisses me, harder this time. The last moment I close my eyes. The last glimpse of this life that I ever see are his eyes. That sparkle he had in them; that genuine look. We never let go. Finally, a tidal wave crashes over us and we’re sent off tumbling, our arms still intertwined. That’s how I want it to go. Spend my last moments with someone I love so much. I know it won’t happen like that (not even close), but I can always hope that one day I’ll find someone remotely similar to what I picture. This song is absolutely perfect and it’s crazy how much creativity can come out of a song. Someday, I’ll meet someone who would love to do something like this with me; dancing in the moonlight. Until now, I’ll sit at home being a crazy HootOwl while I wait patiently for whoever it is that will be in my much later future. “You’ll see tomorrow before me.”<3
Music leads you to make lots of decisions when you think about it. It’s strange; the different kinds of emotions that certain songs, artists, or lyrics can cause you to feel; happiness, sadness, bliss, or even anger. Songs can remind you of memories that you wish you could forget or moments that you always want to remember. Adam Young is basically my music idol. My whole world sometimes revolves around him and he means so much to me. I’d do anything to give him a hug and thank him for everything, including saving my life. He finally gave me a reason to live and I couldn’t love him more for that. But there’s this artist that I’ve fallen in love with a few months ago called Sailship. He reminds me of Adam a lot, like his voice and kind of electronic music. It’s totally awesome. But Adam is still number one forever to me. A lot of his songs, though, remind me of certain things, are so beautiful that it makes me tear up sometimes, and make me really sit down and think about my life. This song called “Rising and Shining” really made me finally decide the way I wish to die, (kind of a weird topic, but it makes sense in my head) even though it doesn’t matter because it’s never a choice and I have no idea when or how it really is going to happen. But in my mind, I have a vision of how I want everything to go down. I mean, no one really wants to die (not anymore for me) but when it happens, I want it to be like this, a fairytale almost. (Okay, I’m not suicidal, but I just think this would be really romantic) The song lyrics go like “I dreamt what the end of the world had prepared, as buildings sank into the ground, you were there. “I hoped you would be here” you said and you smiled. “I’ve been down here waiting for quite a while.” I took you in my arms (you looked in my eyes). We danced as the moon fell apart in the sky. There was a strange sound (we watched the world fall away). We brought back the life that awaits when we awake. “It sounds dreary, but when I think about it, I picture it wonderful sight. I imagine myself there with someone I love, dancing together under nothing but the stars. We waltz together in our Onitsukas through an open forest, the treetops shedding their autumn leaves as the fireflies dance around us to the beats of our hearts and “Vanilla Twilight” by Owl City that softly plays from somewhere unknown in the distance. We can see the moon as it slowly falls apart and crashes to the Earth around us. Comets and asteroids soar through the air and plummet to the surface. The chaos is louder than thunder, but all we hear is each other’s’ laughter and nervous giggles. Even though the temperature is warm, snow begins to slowly fall, adding beauty to the world below, despite the horrid sight. The evening breeze sends snowflakes into our hair, which shines in the fading moonlight. It falls atop a gazebo and the stream that flows near our feet. He twirls me around in a beautiful sparkling, cerulean, blue dress, which poofs out around the waist and stops right above my knees. Crickets chirp in the distance as the world falls apart, completely unaware of the fate about to approach. We both realize what is going on, but we don’t pay attention to any of it. Our eyes are locked on each other’s. My eyes don’t dare look away from his beautiful, dark ones. That’s the last thing I want to see before I die. Before I close mine for that very last moment. His smile makes my insides melt and I can’t help but notice how adorable he looks in his jeans and sweater vest. He leans in to kiss me gently and I embrace him in a hug, tears starting to fall down our faces. At least we were together. I would die in his arms tonight, but I would be with him. As he swirls me around the forest, he slowly pulls me down with him to the ground and before I know it, we’re lying side by side; the spaces between my fingers are right where his fit perfectly. We finally stargaze; the moment I’ve been waiting for forever. The stars are different shades of the rainbow, all sparkling in different tempos. He points out the constellations and tells me how I’m more beautiful than they could ever be. I shed a tear and blush, but he doesn’t notice it in the dark of the night. We sit up to take in one final moment of the world; the burning city below us, the wildflowers that are still in bloom, the mushroom clouds disappearing, our sighs that are harmonized. He whispers something in my ear, which catches me off guard. I say it back, “I love you.” Just three simple words that make my insides turn to mush. Those three words are the last ones I will ever speak. And the last words that I will ever hear. Those last three words take my breath away. We don’t even notice the forest fire approaching us or the meteors that land closer and closer to us each moment. He grabs me and holds me to him tightly so we never part, even after our first life ends. He kisses me, harder this time. The last moment I close my eyes. The last glimpse of this life that I ever see are his eyes. That sparkle he had in them; that genuine look. We never let go. Finally, a tidal wave crashes over us and we’re sent off tumbling, our arms still intertwined. That’s how I want it to go. Spend my last moments with someone I love so much. I know it won’t happen like that (not even close), but I can always hope that one day I’ll find someone remotely similar to what I picture. This song is absolutely perfect and it’s crazy how much creativity can come out of a song. Someday, I’ll meet someone who would love to do something like this with me; dancing in the moonlight. Until now, I’ll sit at home being a crazy HootOwl while I wait patiently for whoever it is that will be in my much later future. “You’ll see tomorrow before me.”<3
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Understanding
Sometimes, it’s really hard to understand the way people feel about others. For instance, I don’t understand how my mom can still love my annoying brother. Of course I’m only kidding. The main difficulty in my life is trying to get people to understand my love for Adam Young from Owl City. To me, he’s not just another person. In my eyes, he’s as close to perfect as you can get. And finally, after years of trying to convince people how much I love him, I simply have to accept the fact that no one does. I wonder why I spent so much time updating my Facebook status and Twitter to lyrics from his songs or fangirling over him by myself, since I don’t know anyone who lives near me who shares the love for him like I do. I draw his name over everything and even base my answers to problems because of him; one of those “What would Adam do?” There really are no words to describe how much I love him, it is literally impossible. There are not enough character spaces on Microsoft Word to explain. To me, it doesn’t matter how much Adam Young stuff you have; sure I have TONS. But it’s about what you tell yourself inside and how you act. I have already proven to myself that I am extremely obsessed and I realized it has gone far, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to change anything. Being a teenager is really hard, but Adam’s music was there for me when others weren’t. It’s one of those things that you have to experience in order to understand. I face life everyday knowing that I’m an outcast and I was never proud of myself, until that one day I heard Fireflies on my friend’s iPod before they played it on the radio. I just had to hear more of him. And now look at me; I can’t go a day without listening to him. Sure, other people might be in my situation. But no one will understand my problems down to a T. That’s the reason why I love Adam so much. He’s a Christian, so full of optimism, and absolutely gorgeous. He makes me feel better no matter what the issues are. And if you’re reading this, you’re probably thinking I’m some psycho-fan, but you truly don’t understand my feelings for him. And one day, I hope to look him in the eyes and have him see my tears fall and tell him how much of a positive impact he has made on my life. He is one of the most important people in my life and no matter WHAT you tell me, I will always be that shy girl in the corner reading a book and listening to his music. I will be the one that cries her eyes out at his concerts and who could talk your ears off about him non-stop, yet not say a word in school. And for once in my life, I’m proud of who I am and how Adam changed my life forever. So, Mr. Young, if you ever read this, I would be forever greatful and pretty embarrassed. I might not ever know it, but if I did, I would be shaking like a wet dog in the middle of a winter blizzard in Owatonna, MN. I love you.
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